Mommy Confessions: Can I get a time out?

Bill Cosby said that you're not really a parent until you have at least 2 kids, and now I know why he believes that and why my parents always laughed at that line.  I thought I knew what multi-tasking was when I became a middle school teacher, but this is a whole new kind of plate spinning.  Take the other night, for example.  I go in to get 3 week old Charlie up for his 7pm feeding to find him covered neck-to-toe in poo.  {I know, another post involving poo.  Forgive my lack of diversity} So, while my 2 year old Carter is occupied with his red balloon, I get a very unhappy Charlie in the bath.  Midway through his bath, I look up to see Carter waddling in with a stride so wide it can only mean 1 of 2 things.  Either a.) he has ridden horseback cross country or b.) he too has pooed his pants.  I ruled out saddle seat and went with the poo theory.  Ordered him to the potty, and with one hand on Charlie {because an infant drowning would not help things}, I used the other to somehow get Carter undressed and on to the toilet.  I add his dirty clothes to the already soiled pile to be washed out in the tub after I finish with Charlie.  Then, in walks my husband.  Awesome.  I'm sure I am the picture of poise and control at this moment.  Part of me wanted to ask him to leave and come back in 10 minutes when I have this all under control and not look like such a mess.  The other part of me was glad that he jumped in and helped to get Carter cleaned up.  I later realized, as I sat down to eat the dinner that Daniel brought home, that this was the first meal I'd had all day.  How does that happen?

Needless to say, I was glad to wake up Wednesday morning knowing that Carter would spend the next 36 hours with my mother-in-law.  My own personal time out.  Time to regroup and recharge.  I used to use those days to run errands and complete projects that couldn't be done while he was home.  Now? Between Charlie meals, I sleep.  As.Much.As.Possible.  The combination of late night feedings and keeping a toddler busy all day makes for one tired mommy.  Lucky for me, Charlie is a fan of lazy days.

I also enjoyed being able to shower without the door being flung open to hear "Hey mommy!!" I realize how much my life has changed during those quiet moments.  When I think to myself, Oh, yay! I have time to shave my legs!

I'm sure in a few years, I'll look back at these posts with nostalgia and wish for the baby days again. I'll have had Mommy Amnesia and will have forgotten about the lack of sleep, and feeling like a zombie most days.  Until then, I'll take all the time outs I can get. 

Guilt Trip

Why can't I get pregnant?
After getting pregnant...
Why can't I be one of those really fit pregnant people who don't swell or gain a lot of weight?
Once I have this baby, I HAVE to start working out.
I am so tired all the time.  I'm a horrible mom to Carter for not taking him for a walk today.
My feet are so swollen.  I have to sit down...but then who will make that perfect dessert that I found on Pinterest for the family Christmas dinner?
High blood pressure?  We need to induce my labor?  But then I can't have a natural delivery, and I need to prove that I can do it without drugs.
While in labor...
Why am I crying right now?! Get it together, Heather.  Suck it up.  Women used to do this in the middle of the woods with nothing but a tree to hug for comfort.
What did I do wrong to make my blood pressure so high?  Did I not eat the right foods?  Did I not exercisee enough?
After labor...
I'm so tired, but I shouldn't need to send Charlie to the nursery.  Maybe I'll just stay awake and hold him instead.
I shouldn't need this pain medication.  I can't concentrate to talk to doctors and visitors if I'm taking it, and I should be alert and nice for them.
Why can't I just find the energy to get out of bed and do my job as a mom? 
I should do that laundry myself.
My house is a mess.  Why did I let it get this way?
If I hadn't let my blood pressure get so high, maybe I could have bounced back more quickly.
I can tell Carter misses me.  I'm failing.

And that's just recently.  I can't even tell you the number of guilty thoughts that run through my mind on a daily basis.  Logically, I know that a lot of the things that I feel guilty about are beyond my control.  I couldn't have changed some of them if I wanted to, but somehow I find a way to pin it on myself.  I didn't do enough, I didn't fight hard enough, I didn't stay long enough, I didn't listen well enough...
After reading other mom blogs and talking with friends, I've realized it's not just me.  I think women feel guilt on a whole other level than men do.  We have this picture perfect idea of what being a good wife means, of what being a good mom means, of what being a good employee means, of what being a good family member means, of what a good house should look like, etc and when our efforts don't measure up to that shiny pretty picture we beat ourselves to pulp.  Then we kill ourselves trying to make up for it in other ways.  We make another resolution.  We add another chore to the list.  We buy another book to help us change our lives.  We start another "plan", another "diet", another "program".  I've lost count of the segments of daytime TV shows that include ways to "Redo You".  Because obviously we aren't doing, thinking, eating, or saying the right things as it is, so we need to be redone.  Well, I'm done.  So done.  I just can't carry that kind of weight anymore.  But how do I change the way my mind works?  How do I keep my mind from taking a guilt trip? 
I started where I should have begun in the first place...prayer.  I know, I know.  It may sound religious and cheesy, but let's look at the facts.  No amount of my own effort has changed the way I feel about myself.  It doesn't matter how thin I am, how successful I am, how loving I am to my husband, or how good of a mom I am, I always fall right back into a pattern of "I should have..." or "I should be...".  As much as I want to fix it myself...I can't.  So, if I can't, maybe I should let Him.  So, while I believe that a lot of my feelings are an identity issue {Who am I? What am I here for? What is my purpose? Why can't I be happy with what I have? There has to be more than changing diapers, and making PB&J sandwiches}, I can't begin a journey to find my own identity in Christ until I can get over the guilt of who I'm not.  So I looked up guilt.  Here's what I found today:
"Therefore, since we have been justified {treated or regarded as WORTHY} by faith, we have PEACE with God through our Lord Jesus Christ." Romans 5:1
So because of my faith in Jesus Christ, I have already been regarded as ENOUGH in God's eyes. 

So if you need to hear it like I needed to hear it...you are enough.

If you have a hard time finding the words to pray, here's what my convo with the Lord sounded like in the shower this morning...
God, I always want to start by thanking you for who you are and everything you have given me.  You are my creator and councilor, and sometimes I forget to acknowledge you in that way.  I've tried to handle all of this on my own, and I just can't anymore.  I need your help to change the way that I think.  I need your peace to know that I am good enough.  I need your strength to make it through today.  You said in your word that I will have peace because I have already been justified by faith, and I am standing on that word today.   I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and that you believe I am great just the way I am. So, help me to see myself through your eyes and not to be defined by my own messed up version of "perfect." Thank you.  Love you.  In Jesus' name I am able to pray, Amen.

Flying Solo

We made it through our first day home alone!  Charlie was born 2 Fridays ago, and Daniel or one of our moms has been here to help me out since then.  While I needed the help, part of me was ready to get back to business as usual.  The other part of me, however, wanted to grab the keys and squeal out of the driveway at 6:30 this morning.  Today was THE day.  Time to be a big girl.  Just hold your breath, Heather, and pray that 7pm comes quickly....and amazingly, it did!  Somehow between all of the usual chores, meals, diaper changes, bottle feedings, and nap times we all managed to get a bath {yes, I'm counting my own cleanliness as a success}, Carter and I made it outside for some much needed Vitamin D, birth announcements were sent out, and a healthy dinner was made. Might I add that after having some digestive issues, our son is taking Miralax and requires exactly 15g of fiber everyday.  You can imagine that this hinders the potty training process a bit...things{and by "things" I mean poo} tend to sneak up on a person under those kind of conditions. But we managed just fine, and only 1 accident...and it was during nap time so I'm not real upset.  

Stopping a few times a day to feed Charlie meant Carter got some extra playtime on the IPAD {the monkey math app is AMAZING}

I'm not really sure what I was so afraid of.  The unknown, I suppose.  But no one died, Carter still got to have plenty of mommy time, Charlie transitioned to his own room & crib *sniff sniff*, and mommy still got some alone time.  My superhero cape might have grown a bit bigger today. 

Bringing Home Baby

What a difference a week can make.  This time last Wednesday, I was restlessly awaiting a delivery.  This week, I'm a mother of 2 and feel a bit like I'm treading water in a pool that's just a bit deeper than I thought it'd be.  But I'm treading, none-the-less, and I'm happy to say that Charlie Joseph is here and we are both doing well.

Due to high blood pressure, my doctor had me induced last Friday.  I'm not going to lie, I was a bit relieved to know exactly when it was going to happen.  When you're so close to your due date, it feels like any moment will be THE moment...and that can be exhausting.  So it was good to know that kickoff was Friday the 27th at 5am.

A few hiccups along the way...an ineffective epidural being one of them...but everyone came out alright.  He weighed 7lbs and 7 oz and measured 20.5 inches long.  Apparently that's a good size baby, because I heard it over and over.  I really have no idea.

Charlie is named after my dad, Chuck (below), who I have to say, plays the proud Papa role very well.

At first, I thought that I would want Carter to stay with Daniel's mom and dad for several days during all the madness.  But by 10am on Friday I missed him terribly, and was glad they brought him by before Charlie arrived.  He came back that night to meet the new addition, and I have to say, it was pretty sweet.

I won't say these first few days are easier the second time around, but maybe more like riding a bike for the first time in a while.  You get on and push off hoping that instincts will kick in, and they do.  Support his neck, shush his cries, feed him till he's full, burp him when he's done, swaddle him tight, and last but not least...try not to break him.  I will say that I appreciate these moments a bit more knowing how fast they fly by.  I cherish every newborn grunt, squeak and cuddle because I know that in a few months they will have all disappeared to reveal a little boy. 

I may be treading water, and I'm not really sure when I'll be able to touch the bottom...not sure that even exists as a parent.  But I'm a great swimmer, and a pretty competent mom, so I'm sure I'll get the hang of it soon.  My plan is to continue our regularly scheduled program.  We are just adding a new cast member.  A very small, very adorable cast member. 

I love these boys more than life, and as a mom it's good to know that in time they will become friends.

My Doctor's in India, My husband's in Georgia....am I in labor?!

No, you didn't miss anything.  It was a false alarm.  A middle of the night, pacing the room alone, timing contractions, on the verge of calling my mom false alarm.  There's nothing like the last few weeks of a pregnancy to keep you on your toes.  At the beginning of every contraction a little voice in the back of your mind asks "is this IT?"  And a few nights ago, or early morning rather, I was convinced that Charlie was coming. This is it.  My doctor's in India, my husband's in Georgia, and I'm in labor.  Oh GOD!!  My doctor's in India, my husband's in Georgia, and I'm in LABOR?! And heeeeeeere comes the freak-out....

Skip to me in the bathroom floor crying like a baby because there's a chance my husband won't make it back in time, there's a chance I'll have some strange doctor who doesn't know me delivering my baby, and I'm just now realizing that I'm not okay with either. 

We knew ahead of time that Daniel would be out of town and we had formulated a plan.  My mother-in-law will stay with me and Carter for the week so that I'm not alone, and she will stay at the house with Carter if I need to go to the hospital.  My mom is 45 minutes away.  My friend Lori is 15 minutes away.  Daniel is 3.5 hours away.  Everyone's phones are on.  Bag is packed.  Car is gassed up.  Baby carrier is ready to go.  I've got a plan, I've got this.  Well, it sounded good in theory.  But in reality, while pacing the floor at 2am alone timing labor pains...that plan seemed less than satisfactory.  So what did I do?  I address the heavenly father while looking at the ceiling (because that's where he lives), and politely let him know that I will not be having this baby today.  That I will be going back to sleep, and we can continue this on Friday when both my husband and doctor are in town.  I haven't had a contraction since.

36 Weeks

I haven't done any pregnancy posts {mainly because I kept forgetting to take belly pictures}, but there's no reason I can't combine 9 months worth into one tidy post, right? Right.  I figure I'm close enough to the end, that if I don't sit down and do it now...it may not happen at all.  Thanks Britney for the Bumpdate ideas!

36 Weeks:

Morning Sickness?  Yes, the entire first trimester.  It's part of the reason I thought to take a pregnancy test.  It was awful and I spent a lot of mornings on the couch, but by week 14 it was completely gone.  Thank goodness!

Cravings?  It is different every day, but the consistent craving has been SUGAR...which is horrible and not like me at all.  Gummy Bears {only the clear ones}, chocolate covered anything, cake, cobbler, pie, cookies, ice cream, and milk shakes.  I do my best to abstain, but I think about sweets constantly.  When I get something in my head, it stays there and taunts me until I let myself have it.

Weight Gain? About 35 lbs which is scary to think about in terms of losing, but it's what I gained with Carter so I'm hoping it will come off as easily the second time around.  I refuse to obsess over calories, so I guess it comes with the territory.

Maternity Clothes?  Mostly leggings or yoga pants with long shirts or dresses.  I'm trying my best to stay out of my nonmaternity clothes for fear I'll stretch them out, but I've made a couple exceptions. 

Turnoffs?  Red meat and avocados.  Bleh.  Both of which I usually LOVE.  oh well. 

Favorite Things?  Epsom Salt baths, old navy slipper boots, TUMS, maternity pillow, and back rubs from the hubby

Best Moment?  When we found out it's a boy and that his name would be Charlie Joseph, after my dad and grandfather.

Worst Moment?  Overdoing it through the Holidays and landing myself in bed for a week.  Not fun. 

Sleep?  I think it's funny that people keep telling me "enjoy sleeping while you can" because I'm not really getting a lot of it.  Since my second trimester I haven't been able to sleep very well.  At this point, I'd at least like to have an adorable baby boy to oogle at while I'm awake at night.

Belly Button?  Flat.  Not in...not out.  Just not at all.

What I miss most?  Sleeping on my stomach...I daydream about it being the first great thing I do after labor

I won't lie, I'm a little over the pregnancy, but I can't WAIT to meet baby Charlie!!  I'm excited to get this show on the road!

One step at a time

It happened.  I had been waiting for it, and honestly I'm surprised it didn't come sooner.  Buyer's remorse.  Panic.  The second guess.  The "oh, crap...what have I done?"  I'm 8 months pregnant with my second child, and I don't think I want to do this anymore.  I don't want to do labor.  I don't want to do the hospital.  I don't want to do late nights, early mornings, and no-sleep marathons again.  A lot of this was probably caused by the high blood pressure and the following bed rest order so it was very short lived.  I'd say a few minutes at the most.  But I'm allowed a freak-out moment, right? I think I've been so busy planning, preparing, organizing, and obsessing that I haven't let myself be scared.  Having children IS scary, and anyone who says differently is crazy.  It's grown up and a lot of responsibility and SCARY.  As if you aren't terrified of dropping, starving, breaking, or psychologically damaging your newborn as it is, they have to go and add SIDS to the pile of worries.  So as I was silently freaking out in the shower, I began to think of those first days and weeks with Carter. 

How I grappled my way through the dark, it seemed, but somehow came out on the other side with a healthy, happy, beautiful, well-behaved boy.  So being the prioritizing list-maker that I am, I decided to work through my panic with a survival list.  What are the absolutes?  The must-dos.  The most important milestones?  So I've been mentally compiling a list of important milestones that Carter and I reached together, and I'm getting them in writing so that I can come back and remind myself when things get difficult. 

1. Mastering the Meals- this is the most challenging and frustrating part of being a new parent, in my opinion.  It stressed me out wondering if Carter was latched on right, if he was getting enough milk, if I was a horrible mother because I'd rather pump and use bottles, and then justifying my decision to everyone who thought that was crazy.  But once I found my own groove, it became second nature.  It is important to figure out what works for not only the baby, but for you.  I think I let everyone convince me that traditional breastfeeding was somehow superior, but it just wasn't working for me.  I would end each session soaking wet and frustrated.  That's when I learned my lesson.  Every mom has an opinion about what works best, and my job is to sift through all the crap that doesn't work for me and only take the things that do.  Forget the rest.

2.  Setting the Schedule & Sticking To It- I chose to put Carter on a eat, wake, sleep schedule {Baby Wise}, and I am now a believer.  He was eating full meals and sleeping through the night by 6 weeks, and I'm convinced it was the routine.  Granted, as they grow, their schedule changes and grows with them, and that can be challenging but I can't imagine it any other way.  It helped me to create and define my new normal.  It also gave me the freedom to leave the house, the husband, and the baby and know that the world wouldn't end.  A lot of people argue that babies aren't machines and will set their own schedule...but this falls into the "crap that doesn't work for me" pile.  The rest of my life works around a schedule, so the child did too.  Still does.  And I'm a better, happier mom for it.

3.  The House Can Wait-  The toilets will get dirty.  The shower floor will get grimy.  The counters will get crummy.  The table will be cluttered.  The dishes will pile up.  The sheets won't get changed.  The laundry won't get washed.  AND. THAT. IS. OKAY.  I gave up this battle after killing myself the first few days.  {You'll notice the unfolded laundry in the background of this photo} I realized that I needed sleep more than I needed clean floors.  I needed a shower more than I needed an empty sink.  At first, I felt incredibly guilty when my mother or mother-in-law would come over and busy themselves with my usual chores...but I soon realized that it made them feel needed and useful.  They wouldn't do it if they didn't want to.  And besides, everyone else gets to benefit from your body's hard work when they hold that precious angel, and they didn't have to do a darn thing!  So really they owe me.  So, yes, you may put those dishes in the dishwasher.  Yeah, you can fold that clean laundry, if you want.  I wasn't going to get to it for days anyway.  I'll just go and grab a 30 minute nap if you don't mind because I didn't sleep a wink all night while worrying and caring for my bundle of joy.  Here's the monitor.  Wake me when he's hungry.

4.  Learn to Laugh-  which is the last thing you want to do when you've had next to no sleep, you're on your second cup of coffee, you're home alone thinking "no whammies, no whammies, no whammies!" because you just want to get through the day alive...and while routinely changing a diaper your little angel shoots liquid poo across the room.  Did that just happen?!  ANOTHER MESS FOR ME TO CLEAN?!...but the look on his face when it happened was pretty cute.  and now that I think about it, this is pretty funny.  dude, I'm laughing!  I'm laughing instead of crying!  Maybe I can do this whole "mom" thing.  Success.  Learn to laugh, because sometimes it's all you can do.  And other times, it's better than the alternative.

Those 4 things will get me through.  Not so overwhelming when I look at it that way.