Guilt Trip

Why can't I get pregnant?
After getting pregnant...
Why can't I be one of those really fit pregnant people who don't swell or gain a lot of weight?
Once I have this baby, I HAVE to start working out.
I am so tired all the time.  I'm a horrible mom to Carter for not taking him for a walk today.
My feet are so swollen.  I have to sit down...but then who will make that perfect dessert that I found on Pinterest for the family Christmas dinner?
High blood pressure?  We need to induce my labor?  But then I can't have a natural delivery, and I need to prove that I can do it without drugs.
While in labor...
Why am I crying right now?! Get it together, Heather.  Suck it up.  Women used to do this in the middle of the woods with nothing but a tree to hug for comfort.
What did I do wrong to make my blood pressure so high?  Did I not eat the right foods?  Did I not exercisee enough?
After labor...
I'm so tired, but I shouldn't need to send Charlie to the nursery.  Maybe I'll just stay awake and hold him instead.
I shouldn't need this pain medication.  I can't concentrate to talk to doctors and visitors if I'm taking it, and I should be alert and nice for them.
Why can't I just find the energy to get out of bed and do my job as a mom? 
I should do that laundry myself.
My house is a mess.  Why did I let it get this way?
If I hadn't let my blood pressure get so high, maybe I could have bounced back more quickly.
I can tell Carter misses me.  I'm failing.

And that's just recently.  I can't even tell you the number of guilty thoughts that run through my mind on a daily basis.  Logically, I know that a lot of the things that I feel guilty about are beyond my control.  I couldn't have changed some of them if I wanted to, but somehow I find a way to pin it on myself.  I didn't do enough, I didn't fight hard enough, I didn't stay long enough, I didn't listen well enough...
After reading other mom blogs and talking with friends, I've realized it's not just me.  I think women feel guilt on a whole other level than men do.  We have this picture perfect idea of what being a good wife means, of what being a good mom means, of what being a good employee means, of what being a good family member means, of what a good house should look like, etc and when our efforts don't measure up to that shiny pretty picture we beat ourselves to pulp.  Then we kill ourselves trying to make up for it in other ways.  We make another resolution.  We add another chore to the list.  We buy another book to help us change our lives.  We start another "plan", another "diet", another "program".  I've lost count of the segments of daytime TV shows that include ways to "Redo You".  Because obviously we aren't doing, thinking, eating, or saying the right things as it is, so we need to be redone.  Well, I'm done.  So done.  I just can't carry that kind of weight anymore.  But how do I change the way my mind works?  How do I keep my mind from taking a guilt trip? 
I started where I should have begun in the first place...prayer.  I know, I know.  It may sound religious and cheesy, but let's look at the facts.  No amount of my own effort has changed the way I feel about myself.  It doesn't matter how thin I am, how successful I am, how loving I am to my husband, or how good of a mom I am, I always fall right back into a pattern of "I should have..." or "I should be...".  As much as I want to fix it myself...I can't.  So, if I can't, maybe I should let Him.  So, while I believe that a lot of my feelings are an identity issue {Who am I? What am I here for? What is my purpose? Why can't I be happy with what I have? There has to be more than changing diapers, and making PB&J sandwiches}, I can't begin a journey to find my own identity in Christ until I can get over the guilt of who I'm not.  So I looked up guilt.  Here's what I found today:
"Therefore, since we have been justified {treated or regarded as WORTHY} by faith, we have PEACE with God through our Lord Jesus Christ." Romans 5:1
So because of my faith in Jesus Christ, I have already been regarded as ENOUGH in God's eyes. 

So if you need to hear it like I needed to hear it...you are enough.

If you have a hard time finding the words to pray, here's what my convo with the Lord sounded like in the shower this morning...
God, I always want to start by thanking you for who you are and everything you have given me.  You are my creator and councilor, and sometimes I forget to acknowledge you in that way.  I've tried to handle all of this on my own, and I just can't anymore.  I need your help to change the way that I think.  I need your peace to know that I am good enough.  I need your strength to make it through today.  You said in your word that I will have peace because I have already been justified by faith, and I am standing on that word today.   I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and that you believe I am great just the way I am. So, help me to see myself through your eyes and not to be defined by my own messed up version of "perfect." Thank you.  Love you.  In Jesus' name I am able to pray, Amen.