One step at a time

It happened.  I had been waiting for it, and honestly I'm surprised it didn't come sooner.  Buyer's remorse.  Panic.  The second guess.  The "oh, crap...what have I done?"  I'm 8 months pregnant with my second child, and I don't think I want to do this anymore.  I don't want to do labor.  I don't want to do the hospital.  I don't want to do late nights, early mornings, and no-sleep marathons again.  A lot of this was probably caused by the high blood pressure and the following bed rest order so it was very short lived.  I'd say a few minutes at the most.  But I'm allowed a freak-out moment, right? I think I've been so busy planning, preparing, organizing, and obsessing that I haven't let myself be scared.  Having children IS scary, and anyone who says differently is crazy.  It's grown up and a lot of responsibility and SCARY.  As if you aren't terrified of dropping, starving, breaking, or psychologically damaging your newborn as it is, they have to go and add SIDS to the pile of worries.  So as I was silently freaking out in the shower, I began to think of those first days and weeks with Carter. 

How I grappled my way through the dark, it seemed, but somehow came out on the other side with a healthy, happy, beautiful, well-behaved boy.  So being the prioritizing list-maker that I am, I decided to work through my panic with a survival list.  What are the absolutes?  The must-dos.  The most important milestones?  So I've been mentally compiling a list of important milestones that Carter and I reached together, and I'm getting them in writing so that I can come back and remind myself when things get difficult. 

1. Mastering the Meals- this is the most challenging and frustrating part of being a new parent, in my opinion.  It stressed me out wondering if Carter was latched on right, if he was getting enough milk, if I was a horrible mother because I'd rather pump and use bottles, and then justifying my decision to everyone who thought that was crazy.  But once I found my own groove, it became second nature.  It is important to figure out what works for not only the baby, but for you.  I think I let everyone convince me that traditional breastfeeding was somehow superior, but it just wasn't working for me.  I would end each session soaking wet and frustrated.  That's when I learned my lesson.  Every mom has an opinion about what works best, and my job is to sift through all the crap that doesn't work for me and only take the things that do.  Forget the rest.

2.  Setting the Schedule & Sticking To It- I chose to put Carter on a eat, wake, sleep schedule {Baby Wise}, and I am now a believer.  He was eating full meals and sleeping through the night by 6 weeks, and I'm convinced it was the routine.  Granted, as they grow, their schedule changes and grows with them, and that can be challenging but I can't imagine it any other way.  It helped me to create and define my new normal.  It also gave me the freedom to leave the house, the husband, and the baby and know that the world wouldn't end.  A lot of people argue that babies aren't machines and will set their own schedule...but this falls into the "crap that doesn't work for me" pile.  The rest of my life works around a schedule, so the child did too.  Still does.  And I'm a better, happier mom for it.

3.  The House Can Wait-  The toilets will get dirty.  The shower floor will get grimy.  The counters will get crummy.  The table will be cluttered.  The dishes will pile up.  The sheets won't get changed.  The laundry won't get washed.  AND. THAT. IS. OKAY.  I gave up this battle after killing myself the first few days.  {You'll notice the unfolded laundry in the background of this photo} I realized that I needed sleep more than I needed clean floors.  I needed a shower more than I needed an empty sink.  At first, I felt incredibly guilty when my mother or mother-in-law would come over and busy themselves with my usual chores...but I soon realized that it made them feel needed and useful.  They wouldn't do it if they didn't want to.  And besides, everyone else gets to benefit from your body's hard work when they hold that precious angel, and they didn't have to do a darn thing!  So really they owe me.  So, yes, you may put those dishes in the dishwasher.  Yeah, you can fold that clean laundry, if you want.  I wasn't going to get to it for days anyway.  I'll just go and grab a 30 minute nap if you don't mind because I didn't sleep a wink all night while worrying and caring for my bundle of joy.  Here's the monitor.  Wake me when he's hungry.

4.  Learn to Laugh-  which is the last thing you want to do when you've had next to no sleep, you're on your second cup of coffee, you're home alone thinking "no whammies, no whammies, no whammies!" because you just want to get through the day alive...and while routinely changing a diaper your little angel shoots liquid poo across the room.  Did that just happen?!  ANOTHER MESS FOR ME TO CLEAN?!...but the look on his face when it happened was pretty cute.  and now that I think about it, this is pretty funny.  dude, I'm laughing!  I'm laughing instead of crying!  Maybe I can do this whole "mom" thing.  Success.  Learn to laugh, because sometimes it's all you can do.  And other times, it's better than the alternative.

Those 4 things will get me through.  Not so overwhelming when I look at it that way.

It's My Party...

Having a birthday 3 days after Christmas can be a little troublesome.  As a kid, you don't get balloons delivered at school, you can't have pool parties, slumber parties are difficult as everyone is out of town, and it's too cold to ride the new bike you got.  As an adult, it just means that I'm over all of the holiday madness to even feel like celebrating or asking for any kind of a party.  I can usually depend on my close friends to go have dinner and a few drinks with me, but at nearly 8 months pregnant drinks aren't an option and going out has lost its luster. 

What WOULD a pregnant gal like to do for her birthday?  Well, I'd really just like to get into comfy clothes, sit on my couch with close friends and eat yummy food.  I think I'll call it a Cozy Party!  First step? Pinterest of course. I found great recipes for finger foods that we could eat on the couch.  No utensils needed!  I spread it all out on the coffee table and we munched and talked all night. This was also a great excuse to have the yummy Campfire Cake that my friend Laura had posted a blog about last month.  So glad she made it for me!  And it IS as good as it looks.

And what is cozier than hot chocolate? I found a great recipe and a fun idea for marshmallow dippers.

My favorite part of the night was giving all the girls a pair of my favorite Old Navy slippers to put on when they arrived.  They were on crazy sale, and I rarely exchange gifts with friends so I knew this would be fun!  I love giving things that I love to people who will love them just as much as I do.  And I have to admit I felt a little like Oprah.  You get a pair, you get a pair, you get a pair!

It was a great night despite my very pregnant puffy self. 

And I had a great clean-up crew...

Dish washer...

and the Disposal

*Winston is fine...just got a few troublesome moles removed.

Family Tradition

Well, the craziness of Christmas has come and gone.  I have a camera full of photos, a fridge full of leftovers, and a living room full of toys to show for it.  I have to say, for a pregnant gal a little more than a month away from delivery, I was a pretty good sport.  But this blog is really less about our travels and more about our own Christmas at home.  In my pre Christmas blog, The Holiday That Stole Christmas, I mentioned several traditions that I wanted to incorporate into our own Christmas, so I'm following up.

Decorating the tree together- check

 Added a few child friendly things this year

Make homemade Christmas Cards- check

Sugary Confections- Check

I had planned to do this on our Christmas Eve (23rd) so that we could pack them up and take them to family the next day.  So I planned a whole day of baking for Carter and me while Daniel was at work.  Well, a whole day of baking for me...someone else started his day with a little rock and roll.

He later decided to take his usual spot on the counter to help with the Turtles 

and chocolate covered stuff....I say "stuff" because I literally dunked whatever I had that i thought might be good.  So it was a little random.

 

I decided to add this one to the list...

The Night Before Christmas- Check

Daniel reads the same book his dad read to him as a child.  It's old and worn and fantastic. :)

After putting him to bed and setting up all of his presents for the next morning, I sat in the floor of the living room admiring all our hard work.  This is the last Christmas that it will be just the 3 of us, and I feel like we did a pretty good job of making it special while taking advantage of teachable moments.  We managed to do everything that I wanted, with the exception of the advent calendar ( I have plans for next year).

Santa or no Santa, I think he had fun, and our Christmas morning would be no exception.

Yeah...that's a 6 foot tall Buzz Lightyear play tent.  It also all folds away pretty easily :)

Melissa and Doug play rug was a big hit! He's all about anything with wheels right now.

I'd put this stud on a calendar any day

I think I'm becoming less of a Christmas grinch and more a mom who is trying her best to love and celebrate the season in her own way.

Charlie Brown- "Isn't the anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?"

Linus- "Sure Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about.  Lights, please...

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'''A Charlie Brown Christmas

Mommy Confessions: Go to your room

I have really surprised myself as a mom when it comes to the patience department.  My siblings would probably tell you that as a young person, I could be a bit volatile.  Like a dry match just looking for something to rub me the wrong way so that I could explode with dramatic flare.  Let's just say, there are very few moments in life that I look back on with regret, but they all include my blowing up and either making a fool of myself or really hurting close friends or family.  So I'm not sure if maturity, marriage, middle schoolers, God, or a combination of all 4 are to credit, but I think I've mellowed out.  There have been times, as a mom, that the old me would have gone off like a truckload of fireworks, but somehow I've managed to laugh or breathe through most situations.  Like this one...

Yeah, those would be my laptop keys on the floor

When I walked in and found him on the bed popping keys off one by one, all I could do was laugh on the inside.  However, as a parent, I know the importance of discipline and making sure he knew the gravity of the situation.  Part of me wanted to storm in, grab him by the shoulders, scream " have you LOST YOUR MIND?!!!" Instead I walked in, took his face in my hands and calmly explained that he was in trouble.  Upon hearing that he broke Mommy's computer and that it was very very bad...he started crying.  It might be the first time I've really seen him remorseful of what he had done.  So I chalked it up as a win for me.  No temper needed.  Just the facts.  You screwed up, son, and mom's not happy about it.  He hasn't touched the computer since.

But my best moment so far in this Terrible Two's adventure has been "go to your room until you are ready to obey mommy."  As he toddles up the stairs obediently and shuts his door, I think "did that really just happen?!"  Yeah, it did.  And it TOTALLY WORKED!  At a moment when I could not TAKE another whine, fake tear, or obstinate cry I sent him away for fear of losing my temper.  It was my answer to I don't want to damage your soul, but if you're gonna cry...I don't really care to hear it right now. 

My husband tried it again while fighting the all too familiar "take another bite" dinner table game.  We'd had enough.  Carter had his mouth covered with both hands and eyes tightly shut.  You would have thought that chicken casserole was cold chopped liver.  Well, no sense in ruining our dinner..."go to your room until you are ready to eat your dinner."  10 minutes later he is back at the table happily eating while Daniel and I cheer him on. 

My principal once told me that teaching is like a game.  "You just have to learn how to win against the students every day."  If you lose your cool or leave feeling defeated you've lost.  If they leave having done what you asked and learned something in the process you've won. I like to think of parenting in the same way. Yay me for keeping my cool, and for teaching my kid that it's not okay to act like a hooligan.  One victory at a time, right?

The Holiday That Stole Christmas

I won't lie.  I've been called a grinch before, and quite frankly, I wore the badge proudly.  I'm not really ashamed to say that I've never been a big fan of Christmas.  Correction: I've never been a fan of all the Christmas shananagans.  I don't enjoy Christmas movies.  I hate even the thought of eggnog.  Wish lists seem incredibly selfish, but who wants to give a gift that isn't well received?  So we better throw in a gift receipt in case you want to TAKE IT BACK??! Then there's the shopping.  The crowds generally just piss me off because for people who are claiming to have cheer, there is NO Christmas spirit in the checkout lines that I've waited in.  Not to mention, I'm allergic to evergreen trees and cinnamon scented things give me asthma attacks. I just don't get in to it.  Never have.  When I was younger I had the whole Santa conversation with my mother.  I told her that I really WANTED to believe, but I just didn't.  The idea is so pretty and sparkly and fun.  Who wouldn't want to believe?  As hard as our grandparents tried...I was never convinced.

So it didn't hurt my feelings when, as a my then fiance, Daniel told me he didn't want to tell our children that Santa was real. He was devistated as a child when he found out that Santa wasn't real...never fully recovered if you ask me.  Good.  One less thing, right?  One less charade to put on.  Great chance to emphasize the real reason for the season, right?  Well, yes....and no.

As long as we stay in our little world here at home, it's great.  But when we leave and are bombarded with "Holiday" ridiculousness it seems like all the Baby Jesus talk becomes pointless.  And because we haven't played up the whole Santa, elves and naughty or nice stuff people look at me like I'm the grinch that stole Carter's Christmas.  Don't get me wrong, he knows that Santa is the one in The Night Before Christmas book who says "On Dasher, on Dancer..." and that he has a white beard.  But we are keeping him as that...a character from books and movies.  But the cashier lady at Target gave me a scornful eye when he didn't respond to her Santa questions.  And relatives look at ME when he doesn't answer the question "What do YOU want for Christmas?" It's like they think he's less intelligent because he doesn't provide the appropriate response to those questions.  And I've found that people's view of holiday traditions are similar to every other part of parenthood...very personal.  And everyone has very strong opinions one way or the other.  So instead of snapping back with "Actually we are choosing NOT to focus on shiny material things and what we can get get GET from some fat man in a red suit, thank you!" I will be practicing my dismissive shoulder shrug and winning smile as if to say "oh well."

All that being said, I'm trying my best to find other ways to make the holiday Christmas special. I'm digging deep here people...trying to remember what my favorite parts of Christmas were.  So here they are...my traditions.  Some are fashioned from my childhood and some are things that I've recently found to be nice enough to do every year.

-Decorating the tree together while listening to...
-James Taylor's Christmas album
-Making homemade christmas cards or ornaments
-Sugary confections!! Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, peppermint patty brownies, chocolate covered pretzels (chocolate covered anything really), made from scratch hot cocoa, haystacks, and I'm fairly certain there will be some sort of jello mold- because Aunt Tammy's Jello Santa complete with whipped cream beard was always my favorite.
-A kid friendly, touchable, unbreakable nativity.  Got one as a gift last year (another shout out to Tammy) and Carter loves it.  Plus, it helps to....
-Tell the story of baby Jesus.  Been using his toddler bible and it is way fun.
-Make wrapping and giving gifts just as fun as getting gifts.  I let Carter put on the gift tags, hold his finger in the bows while I tied, and he even learned to tear the tape from the dispenser (we are working on appropriate tape length).
-Advent calendar
-Charlie Brown's Christmas (for Daniel)

I'm sure this list will grow and include things that I never thought would be traditions.  And I'm excited...Santa or no Santa. 

It's that time of year again...

That's right.  It's that time of year.  The air is crisp and weighted with excitement.  The smell of baked goods fills every home on the street.  The lights.  The singing.  The joy.  It's beginning to look a lot like....my birthday!

So in honor of my birthday month (and because I may be too exhausted in 20 days to actually celebrate it), I give you my thoughts on turning 28.

If you would have told me ten years ago that by the age of 28....

-I'd be married to a wonderful, successful, accomplished, intelligent, funny, handsome man

-I'd be a mother to the most beautiful, hilarious, and charismatic 2 year old

-I'd be awaiting the birth of a second baby boy

-I'd have graduated college with an education degree (not journalism, marine biology, english, dance or theater) and am already happily retired

-I'd prefer quiet nights at home with my family rather than nights out at bars

-I'd dream of a big house in the country rather than a small loft in the city

-I'd lean more on my faith in God than on my own strength or understanding

-I'd have a great group of girl friends who support and love me...all of whom I love and support in return

-I'd feel more beautiful than ever

-I'd learn to appreciate where I came from

-I'd spend less than 20 minutes in front of a mirror on an average day

-I'd laugh more as a married mom than as a carefree teen

-A clean house and toddler kisses are my 2 favorite things

-I'd know that the older I get, the happier I am

...I wouldn't have believed you.





A Fresh Perspective

This blog is off the tail of several conversations with my husband, pastor, mom and others...just need to get it out of my head.

Every now and then, in any profession, we all need a pick-me-up.  A little reminder of why we do what we do. As a teacher, it was those light bulb moments when something clicked with a student.  As a professional it may come by way of a raise, promotion, or a grateful client.  As a SAHM I get mine with every "smacker kiss" and "make mommy happy."  But I've also realized that these moments usually come after a long battle on the potty, a dinner plate stand-off, or a for-no-reason-at-all toddler tantrum.  So sometimes I have to breathe in deep and remember that children are a blessing, not just something else in life to deal with.  Because I stay at home, I think I may have a little more patience in these moments.  A little more guile to stick to my cause when trying to teach a lesson.  A little more perspective when being shouted at by a 2 year old.  A little more resolve when things don't go the way I had planned.  I know, with all that I am, that God blessed me with a child(soon to be children), and it's my job to raise him up in the way that he should go.  To be a hard worker, an exceptional husband, a loving father, and a follower of Christ.  I can't expect anyone else to do it, the job is mine. 

I want to be a mom who is living life with her children, not in spite of them.  Taking the time and mustering the patience to see through their eyes for a bit.  Enjoying their happy faces in the morning instead of being upset that they are awake so early.  Stopping whatever task I'm in the middle of to play trains or make the bulldozer sound (because mom's is always so much better). Taking double the time to complete the chores so that I can let them use the vacuum or the dust rag.  Accepting that there will be additional cleanup because he wants to help mix the flour and egg.  Understanding that motherhood means less sleep, less time, and less energy than I would like.  Because it's not about me anymore.  It's about the lessons my children need to learn in the short time they are awake each day.  That usually makes me bad cop, while my husband gets to be good cop...I don't think I'll regret the end result.  It just means I have to make twice the effort to remind them that I love them.  And because I love them, I will do all that I can to discipline fairly, consistently, and from a root of love not anger or frustration. 

I never want my children to question how important they are to me.  I never want them to think that I'm too busy to sit with them, read to them, sing with them, or love on them.  I don't want to be sitting around a campfire years from now surprised by the stories they tell.  I'd rather have been a part of their stories.  "Remember the time that you and mom..."