Does this one come with instructions?

Just when I think I have things figured out, the universe slaps me in the face with a doozy of a day.  This cute face would be the culprit...

He never ceases to remind me that all children are different, because he is NOTHING like Carter was at this age.  He is a major cuddler, unlike his brother, and yesterday I held him for nearly 9 hours straight.  It was the only thing that worked, and the only perk was the bicep workout I got.  Who needs a shakeweight when you have a fussy 10 lb newborn to bounce?!

It also reminded me of a bone I have to pick with God.  All babies should come with their own personalized instruction manual.  Period. 

New moms go through enough, we don't need surprise attacks waged against us by the very offspring we worked so hard to bring into this world.  Heck, yesterday I'd have been happy with a customer service line. -Hello, you've reached Yourwhitsend Hotline.  If you're calling, your child *Charlie must be throwing you for a loop.  Press 1 for blood curdling screams that never end.  Press 2 for brightly colored poo or vomit.  Press 3 if you have dropped your child.  Press 4 if you are concerned you've ruined your child for life. Or stay on the line to speak with someone who knows what in the heck to do-  Although, it'd probably get outsourced like everything else.  But come to think of it, maybe outsourcing wouldn't be so bad in this situation.  The more remote the country the better.  Because if anyone knows how to effectively and efficiently manage a newborn it would be women who had to walk miles for water or food, balance laundry baskets on their heads, or live in constant fear of tribal attacks, right?  Surely they have secrets I don't know about because I can barely keep things under control here, and I have running water, a washer & dryer, frozen meals that require zero hunting or gathering, and a car to get me from here to there.  So, yes, let me talk to those women! 

Sometimes, we just need a reminder that our children aren't robots.  Or that we are good moms, and we are doing the very best we know how.  Or that some days are just tougher than others, and that God has already given us the grace we need to get through each one of them.  Or that maybe, today, the kid just needs to cry for whatever reason, and nothing you do will help.  He will tucker out and fall asleep eventually.  So when he does, have a glass of wine, get some sleep, and tomorrow will be better.

5 Things Only Moms Know

1. Applejacks and/or Fruitloops go in the bowl with milk as an air-puffed cereal, but appear later dried and adhered to flat surfaces as a shriveled shrunken version of itself.

2.  Cartoons, no matter how "educational" they claim to be, will never be rational.  ie-2 year old Max will always outsmart 5 year old Ruby.  If Ruby would learn to listen to Max the first time he speaks, she'd save herself a lot of trouble.

 Dino Dan's friends and family are enablers.  He clearly needs an imaginary dinosaur intervention. 

No, Diego, magical mermaids {or the "heroes of the sea" as you'd like to call them} were not once manatees, and I've never been able to fit a life boat in any bag or carry-on.

3.  Mom's bed is no longer just a bed.  It is the family room, the office, the conference room, the hospital, the breakfast, lunch, and dinner table, the movie theater, the laundry folding table and the gymnasium.

4.  When looking for misplaced items such as a remote, cell phone, or car keys, always search from bottom to top.  Never top to bottom.  This is a bi product of living with short people.  First, scan the floor of each room-most will stop after this step because said item will be tripped over or stepped on. Second, look under the furniture...even unrollable objects seem to magically roll themselves right out of sight.  Third, check in or around toy boxes and lower kitchen & bathroom cabinets. Fourth, lift couch cushions and pull back bedspreads.  So on and so on.  You get the idea.

5.  The gelatinous insides of an exploded diaper are much easier to vacuum/wipe up after having a minimum of 2 hours to dry.  But let's be real...who's gonna remember it's still there in 2 hours?