Cause I gotta' have faith, faith, faith-ah

While reflecting on my state of faith, I stumbled upon my growing testomony.  I've shared parts of it before, but it seems to deepen and grow with each new season of my life...so I'm writing down what God has revealed to me so far.

After graduating with an Interdisciplinary Studies Education degree from Middle Tennessee State University, I was off to start my first job...my career...my calling.  Teaching seems to come naturally to me.  Surprisingly, I've never really been comfortable around kids...but somehow in a classroom I transform.  Kids, specifically middle school kids, became my passion.  I hated middle school as a kid. It was awful. Some of my worst school age memories stem from middle school.  Most middle schoolers have no idea who they are, what they stand for, and are morphing each day into a young adult.  They are little balls of hormones and un-tamed emotions.  As their teacher, I wanted to create a safe space...where they could succeed.  Where they could make good choices and be rewarded, but also where making mistakes wouldn't mean the end of the world.  So 7th grade Science was the perfect place.  The nature of science is all about try it, analyze it, and if it didn't work...try something else- a valuable life lesson in itself.  I loved my classroom.  I loved my curriculum.  I loved seeing metaphoric light bulbs go off above a kid's head, and being able to witness when things "clicked."  I loved taking a complex notion, simplifying it, and presenting it piece by piece.  I loved making it fun, and making it seem easy to kids.  The best compliment I could get as a teacher was "that's so easy!"  Because ease comes with mastery...and mastery was my goal.  My first two years were tough and exhausting, but I knew I was making a difference. 

Half-way through my second year, I found out I was pregnant.  It shook my world and turned my professional plans upside down.  I had planned to get my masters in Administration...I had planned to teach for 5 more years before applying for a principalship.  I had plans, but I knew God had others.  I won't lie and say I was excited that he was taking me down a road that I didn't necessarily choose myself, but I decided that if I was on it...I might as well do it well.  So I decided that I could do it all.  I could be a great mom, a great wife, and a great teacher.  There were plenty of women in my building who seemed to be doing it all and having it all...so why couldn't I?

Carter came at the beginning of my 3rd year of teaching and I began to sing a different tune.  I agonized over having to return after 12 weeks of maternity leave.  I believe that mothers have to overcome every part of our DNA to leave our babies. {We can talk about what that would have meant thousands of years ago...but I'll save that science lesson for another time}.  It was tough for me.  I cried on the way to work more mornings that I can count...leaving my son in my  mother-in-laws arms to go and teach other people's children.  I loved teaching, and was often happy once I got to work...but I was never 100% present in the classroom.  One foot in my classroom as a teacher and one foot at home with my son.  While teaching 7th graders about animal cell parts, I was still mentally checking off feeding times, naptimes, and playtimes that I knew were happening at home as the hours rolled by.  I wasn't the Heather I used to be.  A new Heather was born on September 3, 2009. 

Going out with friends wasn't the same...I now had "mom" things to talk about.  Milk, poop, rice cereal, bottles, pacies, and tummy time.  It was all I could think about, but that's not acceptable happy hour conversation...is it?  I wanted so badly to be the old Heather....only what did she talk about?  I can't remember.  So...I just stopped talking for a while.  "Check, please." 

I continued to drag myself away from my family every morning for the next few months, put on a happy face, and do my job...my other job.  But I was slowly wearing down...like an old crayon.  I was once sharp and bright and pretty in my job...now I was worn...paper torn away.  After a long school day and a not-so-encouraging parent conference I walked down the hall, grabbed my bag, walked out the door, got in my truck, took off my lanyard, pulled out of the parking lot, and knew that this would be my last year.  I didn't know how I'd tell my husband, my boss, my co-workers or my students...but I was done.  I had become a teacher who hated her job.  Not because I was no longer a great teacher, but because I couldn't continue to be a great teacher, a great mother, and a great wife.  Something had to give...and that something was my career.  So I took the long way home that day and prayed.  I knew the feelings I had were too big to be my own.  I didn't know what God's plan was, but I was stepping out in faith to follow it. We had bills to pay, money to save, and projects on the list...but somehow God would take care of it.

So, fast forward to now...a year later.  My husband has received numerous raises and bonuses (in the throws of a recession), and God has taken care of us! My pastor recently said something that stuck with me, "You'll know you're in the right place when God continues to bless you." We have been blessed beyond what I could have imagined.  I believe that because I stepped out in faith, God showed up.  And he continues to show up every day...showing me new things.  Challenging me.  Growing me.  It hasn't been all butterflies and rainbows; in fact my day-to-day is more challenging than it was a teacher, but I know that this is where I'm supposed to be.  It was a terrifying leap...but I'm glad we took it.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.